Threefold Cord

What Forgiveness Is* Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. More than this, Catholic psychologist Robert Enright suggests that in addition to letting go of grudges and resentment even when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it, we instead offender gifts of “mercy, generosity and love” or “beneficence” when the wrongdoer does not deserve them. ( Forgiveness is a Choice , p. 25). Enright identifies three components to forgiveness. First we must acknowledge that the offense was and continues to be unfair.  Secondly our anger is justified, since we have the right to be treated with respect. Since our anger is a response to someone hurting us, and we have a moral right to this anger.  Thirdly, forgiveness involves us offering the offender a gift, as we chose to give up our anger and resentment. In essence forgiveness is an act of mercy toward the offender. What Forgiveness is Not We must acknowledge that it is possible t...

Everyone has felt the need to forgive someone at some point in our lives.  Some of us have even had to forgive someone for a serious injustice they committed against us. When we did forgive, it is very common for us not to perceive exactly how angry we were. Why do you think it is hard to admit that we are angry? In Matthew's Gospel Jesus says, "But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment" (Matthew 5:22a). Does this mean that it is sinful to ever be angry? Clearly someone might mistake Jesus' words about controlling our anger, to mean that we are not allowed to feel the emotion of ‘anger’ or hold the mistaken belief that the emotion of anger is always sinful. This is not the case. If someone believes that all anger is a sin, they might be unwilling to admit they are angry. The Catechism notes that anger is simply one of the passions or emotions which “are morally good when they contribute to a good actio...

Forgiveness is one of the most important tools in our relationship tool box. It literally makes us happier, improves our health, our relationships and our well-being. Choosing not to forgive only hurts us. It is an emotional dead end. Although your grandmother might tell you that the benefits of forgiveness are obvious, actual empirical research into forgiveness began in the mid 1980’s.   The pioneer researchers in this field are psychologist and professor, Dr. Robert Enright and psychiatrist Richard Fitzgibbons, MD.   Both researchers are now Catholics, but Robert Enright was initially a non-practicing Catholic who returned to the faith as a result of his research.  He notes, “The Catholic Church and only the Catholic Church can tell us what forgiveness really is in the fullest sense: a uniting of your suffering with Christ's suffering, which we bear on behalf of those who have hurt us, for their salvation”  [ Christian Century, Feb 24, 2011 ]. Afte...

Jesus has a great deal to say about forgiveness. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus calls us to show mercy (Matthew 5:7), to control our anger (Matthew 5:21-26), to not retaliate (Matthew 5:38-42), and even to love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48). Forgiveness is important enough to be one of the seven petitions of the Our Father, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12). In fact This teaching comes with a sober warning in Matthew 6:14-15 (CCC 2838). St. John Paul II notes, “Throughout his life Jesus proclaimed God's forgiveness, but he also taught the need for mutual forgiveness as the condition for obtaining it. In the Lord's Prayer he makes us pray: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us" (Mt 6:12). With that “as”, he places in our hands the measure with which we shall be judged by God.” [ Message for the XXX World Day of Peace, January 1997 ] Similarly the Catechism notes; This petition is ast...

There are two deceptively simple things you can do to improve your marriage. Although it might sound like an unusual comparison, we can compare the dynamics of our marriage relationship to our personal finances. If you want to improve your finances, you need to pay down debits and to increase savings. Married relationships have similar principles. You need to pay attention to your Emotional Bank Account as a couple. In marriage, our “debits” represent our resentment towards our partner. When someone does something to us that is hurtful or unjust, we can hold on to these events and begin to keep score. We might hear ourselves say, “That is the third time you have done . . .” Being filled with resentment causes us to build up an account of debits that we hold against our partner. This can make us look down on our partner and even to treat them with contempt. These relationship debits are real, and of course we deserve to be treated with respect, but holding on to these debit...

One of the most fundamental truths discovered by modern psychological research is the fact that each one of us is literally hard wired for connection with others. Our happiness and integral fulfillment in life is dependent on our ability to maintain and experience these connections. This is not really a new truth. In the Genesis narrative, after creating the first man, God declares, “It is not good that the man be alone “and so God creates a “helper as his partner” (Genesis 2:18). In fact, relationship is an essential characteristic of being created in the image and likeness of God. God has revealed that, within his own self, there is an eternal exchange of love between the persons of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. We might also note that one of the significant truths about the fall of Adam and Eve after creation is the loss of connection with God and with each other as a result of sin. Our human need for connection is met in a variety of relationships in our life. W...

In the last thirty years we have made tremendous advances in our understanding of how romantic relationships, and marriages work. A leading researcher in marriage relationships has documented that 69% of relationship conflict is about unresolvable, perpetual problems. This sounds like bad news. Dr. John Gottman, notes that 94% of the time the way a discussion starts determines how it will end. Poor communication and marital conflict are only bad news, however, if we accept this as normal and we do nothing to change this situation. Of course some conflict in our relationships is inevitable, but we can work to manage conflict in a healthy, positive way. We can actually use our conflicts to grow closer to the other person. What if you were told that modern researchers have discovered four things which literally make or break a relationship? Gottman’s research has shown that if a relationship has four key behaviors, and there is no intervention to change, the majority of these relationship...