The Soft Answer
While it certainly is a good idea to talk together about the issues that bother us with our spouse, how we bring up these issues makes all the difference. The way we introduce these issues pretty much controls the outcome of the conversation.
Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that the way in which a conversation begins 96 % of the time will determine how the conversation will end. If we begin with a very negative approach and choose a bad time to bring up the issue, it will inevitably not go well.
In a saying attributed to Solomon, the book of Proverbs reminds us, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov 15:1). The soft answer advice is what Dr Gottman calls a Soft Start-Up.
Imagine someone saying to their spouse as they head out the door for work, “"You still haven't washed the dishes you promised to do last night! Why are you always so lazy!" Then the door slams and you hear a car starting in the distance. It is not hard to imagine how this will turn out.
The antidote to this negative approach, according to Dr. Gottman, is a Soft Start-Up: talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need. There are three steps to this process: (1) Expressing how I feel… (2) about what…, and then finally what (3) I need…. The powerful underlying question is, “What do I need?” This is also a very powerful proactive question we can ask our spouse, “What do you need from me?”
For example, the antidote to the above negative example might sound like:
“Honey, I love you and I really appreciate the things you do around here. Coming home to a messy kitchen after work really stresses me out. Can we talk later about how to figure this out so that I do not get stressed?”
Some other advice might be to avoid exaggerated statements like “all the time,” “every,” “always,” “never,” or “completely.” It is difficult for the other person to take responsibility if they feel the request is unfair. It is also important to watch our tone. We can say the right words, but still be communicating anger and resentment. We can also ask ourselves, am I trying to communicate, or am I instead trying to punish my spouse by triggering their guilt and shame?
As St. Paul reminds us, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone." (Col 4:6).
In a saying attributed to Solomon, the book of Proverbs reminds us, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov 15:1). The soft answer advice is what Dr Gottman calls a Soft Start-Up.
Imagine someone saying to their spouse as they head out the door for work, “"You still haven't washed the dishes you promised to do last night! Why are you always so lazy!" Then the door slams and you hear a car starting in the distance. It is not hard to imagine how this will turn out.
The antidote to this negative approach, according to Dr. Gottman, is a Soft Start-Up: talk about your feelings using "I" statements and express a positive need. There are three steps to this process: (1) Expressing how I feel… (2) about what…, and then finally what (3) I need…. The powerful underlying question is, “What do I need?” This is also a very powerful proactive question we can ask our spouse, “What do you need from me?”
For example, the antidote to the above negative example might sound like:
“Honey, I love you and I really appreciate the things you do around here. Coming home to a messy kitchen after work really stresses me out. Can we talk later about how to figure this out so that I do not get stressed?”
Some other advice might be to avoid exaggerated statements like “all the time,” “every,” “always,” “never,” or “completely.” It is difficult for the other person to take responsibility if they feel the request is unfair. It is also important to watch our tone. We can say the right words, but still be communicating anger and resentment. We can also ask ourselves, am I trying to communicate, or am I instead trying to punish my spouse by triggering their guilt and shame?
As St. Paul reminds us, "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone." (Col 4:6).
I have put these thoughts into my own words, but my thoughts are indebted the research of Dr. John Gottman and to Kimberly Panganiban, "Types of Criticism: Expressing
Concern or Complaint without Harm," https://www.gottman.com/blog/types-of-criticism-expressing-concern-or-complaint-without-harm/
Accessed 05-09-2024
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